I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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