ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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