He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
