Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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