Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Randomize
