Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
