i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Randomize
