Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
You're a waste of cheezeits
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
