FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Randomize
