if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
