you're like a bully in the Christmas story
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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