We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
