Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
she looked like the before picture.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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