I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
