It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
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