proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Randomize
