I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Randomize
