Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
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