Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
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