Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
