I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Randomize
