Your face is a jimmy john
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
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