I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize