Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
