I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
