What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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