I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
