Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
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