I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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