Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
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