I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
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