I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Randomize
