i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
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