I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Randomize
