The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
