Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Small penises have feelings too.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
porn star boner night. come get it.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
