I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
this beer tastes like vomit already
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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