the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
