I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
