the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
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