i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
