apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
operation have a gay friend backfired
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
