Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Mom said you looked used
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
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