My cat gives me a boner
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
