I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
