You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Randomize
