Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
