Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize