1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Drake has all the answers
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
