He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
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