why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
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