Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
