Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Can vaginas get frostbite?
My boob is missing a layer of skin
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
