Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Randomize
