Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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