My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
