i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
