Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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